My feelings were never so strong that I wanted to come out as bisexual, but they were big enough to not deny the fact that I had feelings for girls.
My story won't be one of the sadder ones you read. In fact, it's more of a happy one, but every story has its ups and downs. I remember in eighth grade I had my first boyfriend, and we were introduced to each other through a mutual friend. That mutual friend was my very first girl crush I can remember. She was so gorgeous and funny and, even though I was dating her friend, I felt more of a connection to her than I did to him. He was the first person I came out to because I felt horrible for being attracted to someone who wasn't the person I was dating. That girl had been out as bisexual for almost a year, so when he and I broke up, I instantly thought of her and wanted to be with her. She then told me she had been questioning if she really was bisexual, and later started to identify as straight. And trust me it was like a shot to the heart hearing her say she wasn't interested in me. After that I had a few more girl crushes, but none that were ever interested in me the way I was in them. That is, until the summer of 2017.
There was this stunning girl at my church camp – I know what you're going to say, a Christian church isn't the best place to start hitting on some girls, but when you feel this strong an attraction to someone there isn't really anything else you can do. We were the same age and, even though I lived in Wyoming and she lived in Louisiana, my dad lives in Louisiana and I go down there to see him. There was the smallest chance I'd see her again, so I knew I had to do something then and there. Eventually I worked up the guts to just walk up to her and kiss her, right in the middle of my church and let's just say you could literally see the sparks flying between us. Until her grandpa saw us making out and pulled her away from me and said we were never going to see each other again. And we didn’t. She was the first girl who ever truly wanted me back, and I couldn't have her.
I'd never felt that kind of connection with any girl but her, and it'll probably be a while until I do. But I'm okay with that, because I know if a girl is truly that special to me, I'll want her more than anything and she will feel the same. But until then, I'm perfectly okay in the relationships I'll have, whether they are with a boy or a girl.
But my coming out story was something entirely different, and I'll never say that it was ideal. Most people's coming out story will probably start with something like "I sat them down in the living room and told them how I felt.” But mine wasn't anything like that, and the way I came out certainly wasn’t the best.
The first people I came out to were my then-boyfriend and my first girl crush. I became openly bisexual online, and to all my internet friends, along with a post on my personal Instagram. A few months after I had come out to my school, my mom went through my Instagram and found my coming out post while I was at the movies with some friends. Trust me, I've never felt so bad. When I got in the car with my step dad, he looked at me and didn't say a word. We pulled into my driveway, and he started yelling at me about how they had told me multiple times that he would have been fine with me being gay, or bisexual. He said that he would have understood it if they weren't accepting, but they were and that’s what made him and my mom upset. My mom never said anything about it, and I could tell she was upset that I didn't tell her first. I don't remember her ever saying anything about it except ask if I was dating a few girls once or twice. But I knew she accepted me. And she's been supporting me and my sexuality for almost a year.
I'm extremely happy with being open and out to the world. Unless it’s a dangerous situation, you need to come out to your parents first. Not on social media.
Everyone will deal with their fair share of homophobia. I know I have. But you can always get through it. I've cried a few times because of people disliking who I am and I've lost people I cared about a few times. But if they can't love you for who you are they aren't worth it, and they never were. You are beautiful, whether you're gay, straight, trans, anything. You aren't disgusting for being in love with someone, just like I'm not.