FAYE
UTAH | SERIES 2
I’m content with myself right now and it’s lovely and it’s the first time I remember feeling it. The more I’m here, the more things are less solid and black and white, and I see the grey area and the fluidity of it all.
I always had a disjointed sense of self. What I felt was comfortable or right was something I repressed and hid. Every Boy Scouts or Young Men meeting was uncomfortable.
I thought that it was somewhat typical, something like “Satan is tempting you” when it was my own oblivious moral compass. I faked a testimony as best I could, and siphoned, stitched together my faith from others. I guess it was pretty convincing. I attended church weekly and did whatever the men holding the “keys” required. I had never felt this “still, small voice.” The thought of someone creating and recording a setup for an eternity of paradise or pain with my every step was daunting.
Not being able to think things without fear of divine judgement was even worse. The thought that someone with "the Spirit" could know what I was feeling without me letting them know was constant and overwhelming. I tried to come to terms with it.
My darkest depressive phase started before eighth grade. The only semblance of a friend I had moved away that summer, and I had a lot of time to be alone. I tried making friends, at the same time not knowing how to talk to people whatsoever. I reached for help and tried to form connections with people, but my constant self doubt and confusion made it difficult to keep them. I self-harmed and under slept to try to keep my feelings at bay, in turn making things worse.
I couldn't reach out to people I knew for fear of judgement, and doubts of them knowing how to help.
I resorted to anonymity. I found a place online where I could vent about my feelings and actually feel wanted. I made friends with an individual who I could relate to and who could confirm my feelings. We messaged back and forth about whatever came up; it was pretty neat. My parents, worried that I spent too much time on the internet, restricted my use. This made it difficult to talk with the person I needed at the time.
I went to the first day of high school, only to never return after several breakdowns.
I stayed home for the next few weeks; I couldn't leave the house due to my anxiety. My parents enrolled me in online school, which never got finished as I instead spent the nights thinking about if I belong on this earth. I opened up to a few friends about my feelings, but they texted me less and less and I was lonelier more and more. I continued spiraling downward in self-hate, anxiety, delusions, paranoid thoughts, and suicidal ideation.
I was admitted to a behavioral mental health hospital, but not much changed. During my five-month stay, I met a wonderful boy who I could be around, and he understood most of the big words I knew. I felt like I saw eye-to-eye with him. In the therapy group that I was sorted into, I was open (Like actually open, not like “Oh gender is weird anyway here’s a bad pun”). I talked to people about how fluid identity is, but I didn’t yet delve into gender expression. The skills I learned there have made me confident in some ways I didn’t recognize at first.
Up until then, I thought of myself as introverted, and shy. I didn’t like being out and around people, and it was too loud. Yet, I found that I had been around the wrong people, the wrong beliefs, people who couldn’t understand me or my perspective.
Having something in common with people, having friends, is fricking fantastic. I used to (still do ah) get frustrated with myself for not being original at all, from mannerisms to how I dress to general existence. This is something that everyone does, or should do because honestly I love being in control of myself. I want to be content with myself.
Perhaps it is a phase! Maybe there is no way to know what will or won’t happen in the future, and I’m just making myself content in the present. But, I’m pretty hecking content with myself right now and it’s lovely and it’s the first time I remember feeling it. The more I’m here, the more things are less solid and black and white, and I see the grey area and the fluidity of it all.
Find something that makes you happy. Explore and use your resources, test the waters. Live for the now, what else is there?
i dunno man i'm a girl fuck the birth certificate what do i say
