ZAC
UTAH | SERIES 2
At about 12 years old, I started praying and crying every night to God asking Him to make me normal. He didn’t answer my prayers.
There are great things that I was taught in the Church that have shaped who I am, and there are some things that still hurt to think about.
I have had a lot of struggles growing up being gay in the Mormon religion. When I was young I knew I liked boys, but I pretended to like girls because that was what I was taught was normal.
At about 12 years old, I started praying and crying every night to God asking Him to make me normal. He didn’t answer my prayers.
He didn’t change my feelings, so I was just dealing with it until I was 16 when my parents found out. When I finally built up enough courage to tell my parents, they were just about to talk to me and ask me if I was gay. They had these suspicions after my mom got onto the family computer to look something up. She then realized that she was logged into my YouTube account and she could see all of the recently viewed videos such as “How to come out as gay to religious parents.” After she saw what I was looking up, she called me over and asked me if I was gay. I looked at her and she had tears in her eyes, and after she started crying I did too. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I didn’t want to look at her. I will always remember that hug that she gave me when I came out to her; it was so loving! We later had to go and talk to my dad about it. I was very scared for what he might think, but he was okay with it. And yes, they asked all the wrong questions but we worked through it.
After I came out to both of my parents officially, I felt like a huge burden that I'd been carrying around for years was finally taken off of my shoulders. I felt like I could now be my true self around my parents. I felt happy. I felt free.
I had been hiding this secret about myself for many years. After my parents and I had a very long talk and shed many tears between all of us, I felt SO much better.
About a week or two after I came out to them, we went on a trip to Mexico. During this trip, the LGBT community was devastated by the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando. My parents and I were following the story and we were all sad.
Right after I came out I would look at my mom and she would be crying. I know she needed to mourn the future she envisioned for me. She also hated that I felt so alone for many years and had to hide my true feelings from everyone for so long.
I am the youngest by 10 years from my closest sibling, and my brothers and sisters are all very supportive. However, we still have times where we need to be more understanding and patient with each other. I had 17 years to accept myself and my sexuality, so they need some time to adjust to my new self too. I know they love me no matter what.
I am not active in my religion anymore. I feel like I don’t belong, even though most people are very nice to me. I feel like I don’t know where my place is within the church that I grew up in. There are great things that I have been taught in the church that have shaped who I am, and there are some things that still hurt to think about. I’m okay with and support my parents’ choice to stay in the church, just as they support me in my decisions and the paths I choose to take.
My family has had many trials we have dealt with together, and those hardships have taught me some of the most important lessons I will ever learn. Since coming out, I’ve met some great people who are now my friends. Growing up gay has also provided lots of amazing chances for my growth that I am so grateful for. And I am looking forward to many opportunities to help others and to meet new people.
For the first time in a long time, I look forward to my future.
