KILEY
ALASKA | SERIES #3
I’ve been staring at this page for a good couple of days trying to figure out what to write and still am not sure what I want to put into words. My coming out story is simply this: I don’t have one. All my close friends know that I like girls, but I never really had to come out and say it. Even when I didn’t know what those feelings were yet, they had already figured it out.
I couldn’t tell you who my first girl crush was, or the exact day and hour I found out I liked girls, because that’s not how it happened. For me, the process has been like running down a hill; at first you start with a gentle trot, but with the force of gravity you gradually start moving faster and faster until you can’t even control your legs moving furiously beneath you. That, ladies and gentlemen and those who don’t fall under such categories, is how the process of liking the same sex has gone for me. At first it was just a thought in the back of my head, but now all my attention on relationships and attraction is focused on girls. Girls, girls, girls. Can you blame me? They’re soft and smell good and are just so gosh-darn gorgeous.
I joined my school’s GSA my freshmen year as a shy little baby gay. I didn’t even know if I actually liked girls, but I did know I was open to the possibility. And that year is the one I had my first substantial crush on a girl who was REAL and right before my eyes (unlike the girls on TV and in video games). From that point on, my sense of my own sexuality blossomed and I no longer felt as though that feeling of a crush was just me wanting to be their friend. It was an actual crush that I felt, an actual plethora of non-platonic feelings for the same sex. Now I’m happy to say I help run and lead my school’s GSA and am falling for a sweet girl who has a soft spot for dogs and memes.
I’m lucky to say that I’m surrounded by kind and supportive people, but I still find myself nervous to utter the words, “I like girls.” I am so afraid of judgement and losing people that I lose sight of the supportive and loving people before me. Even writing this down, the thought of telling my father I like girls makes my stomach become a ball of knots. A big fear that I have is that people just won’t understand, because I don’t even know what I really am right now. I don’t want to deal with the probing questions that even I can’t answer about myself.
If I can’t put a label on it, how am I supposed to explain to someone what I am?
The advice I have for LGBTQ+ youth reading this is that IT IS OKAY to not know. It’s okay to be confused and it’s okay not to put a label on anything if you just don’t know. You’re not the only one struggling, so reach out to those who can relate with you. Just don’t force yourself to do something you’re not ready to. Everyone has to find themselves and everyone’s journey is different, so take as long as you need to find out who you feel you really are.
