MILES
ALASKA | SERIES #3
My name is Miles, I am fourteen years old, and I am transgender. My pronouns are he/him/his. I’ve known that I'm trans since I was about nine years old, but I only really accepted myself when I was around eleven. Before that I had tried desperately to cover it up with makeup, dresses, and 'feminine' things, because I was so afraid of what my family and friends might think. As I got more comfortable with myself I decided to come out to the closest person to me at the time, which was my ex-girlfriend. She didn't really take it well, as we were already having problems and with that added on top, she called me a bunch of transphobic slurs and other offensive things. That kind of threw me back into my shell, so I didn't tell anyone else until I was almost thirteen.
I had moved up to Alaska with my mother and decided to tell my sister, which went a little more smoothly. She didn’t exactly understand but accepted me nonetheless, which made me feel better about it. Then I told my best friend and ex-boyfriend next. My best friend kind of expected it and wasn’t surprised, but my ex ended up breaking up with me and said, "I think we should just be friends." I understood that he didn’t want to date a guy, and accepted that not everything was going to be the same but after the breakup. I was nervous to come out to anyone after that, because I did love him and it hurt me emotionally to have been broken up with because of that.
After that I didn't tell anyone for a while because I had started to hate the fact that I was trans. I didn't talk about it to anyone and my mental health got worse, but then I met someone who ended up becoming a dear friend of mine. Around the second time we ever hung out he asked me - and I remember this comment very clearly because it was the first time anyone had ever asked me this or cared enough to know - "What are your pronouns?" I know it might be stupid to hold on to, but it was a very nice moment for me. I nervously replied, "um he," and he didn't ask any questions and just accepted me right away.
After that I started to feel better about myself, so I called my other best friend and decided to come out to them. I stalled for a bit and then told them that I'm trans and that I was so scared about coming out, but they were so accepting and nice that I started to cry. I remember that they said, "I still love you dude, I’ll love you no matter what," and it was so nice.
After this, I came out to my mom, and I did it over text because I was so scared of what she'd say. She kind of accepted me but also kind of didn't. Even though she called me by the right name and pronouns, she didn't let me move forward in my transition (T shots, etc.) She also forced me to come out to my dad, and I sat him down and said, "I really hope you accept me and still love me, but I'm trans and I go by ‘him’ and ‘Miles’ now." He looked slightly disturbed and didn't say anything, so after a minute of silence, I walked away. He ignored me and gave me the cold shoulder for about three months, but when he started talking to me again he would only use the wrong pronouns and my birth name. My mom had done nothing to help, and she started calling me the wrong name and pronouns around him too. She still does sometimes, and I'm not sure she’s trying much anymore.
After a few months I started to go out more and meet people, and I ended up going to Q Club and meeting some of the most genuine and caring people I have ever come across. They’re friends who I adore and who have helped me in so many ways, and I am lucky to call them my friends.
Now I'm not saying that everything's perfect, but I do believe it will be someday and I know it will be for you too. So anyone out there struggling right now, just imagine yourself in the future, whether it’s with the partner you want, or the body you're meant to have, or even just a pet you want. You’ll have whatever you want someday, even if it might take years to get it. It’s hard right now, but it'll be worth it in the future when you have the life you want.
I know the ending was cheesy, but I meant everything and it all came from the heart.
