BENNY
UTAH| SERIES # 3
I came out as bisexual in the sixth grade after I realized I liked boys and girls. At this point in my life, I was starting to grow and discover myself and realize what I wanted to be. Often time I looked in the mirror and felt constantly unhappy with my appearance. First, I thought it was my weight, so I fluctuated between skinny and not-so-skinny,
I noticed I still felt unhappy with how I looked. I cut my hair and then tried growing it out and dyeing it, only to still dislike the way my hair looked in the end (eventually shaving it). As the time went on, I started to present myself more androgynous, and at times people even confused me for a boy and I liked that and didn’t realize why. I had known about transgender people at this point in my life, but I didn’t realize that what I was feeling wasn’t what everyone feels like as they go through their teenage years. I had thought to myself, “yeah, I want to be a boy, but since I wasn’t born a boy there’s no point in trying to change it.” I realized that the uncomfortable and unhappy feeling was me experiencing dysphoria.
I never wanted to admit that I felt different and uncomfortable until it go so bad it affected my mental health, physical health, and more. I hated my body and the way I looked so much. I’d hurt myself, often feeling angry that I couldn’t present the way I felt inside. After a year long struggle with denying who I was, I realized in 2014 I was transgender. Around this time, I also realized I was actually pansexual which I think definitely fits me better. My gender has fluctuated throughout the years, and I have identified many different ways. In 2014, I first came out as gender fluid. This was the easiest to explain to everyone, because they all thought this was a phase I would grow out of. The next few years, I started to identify as a trans boy and wanted to present more masculine. It was very hard to look masculine at this point in my life. I always felt very feminine and it made me uncomfortable. Following the trend of “boys can’t be feminine” It tried to be as masculine as possible because if I wanted to wear a dress, then everyone basically would tell me that the way I identified wasn’t real. I presented strictly masculine, scared to be misgendered, and seem like I was lying to myself the whole time.
Now, I feel more comfortable as the years have passed and I can proudly dress the way I want too; sometimes wearing feminine clothes and makeup, and sometimes wearing more masculine clothes and a binder. I still experience body dysphoria, but I plan to start testosterone in the following months to help me present and look the way I fell inside. I can proudly identify as a trans boy today and present the way want to.
