SAM
ARKANSAS | SERIES # 4
Hello! I’m Sam, I’m 16 and this is my story:
I didn’t realize I was trans till about 6th grade. I always looked more like a little boy when I was younger. Playing video games with my brothers, playing in the mud, pretending to be a dashing knight instead of a beautiful princess, and playing with toy guns instead of Barbies. My idols were all male, all guys I thought were just so cool- the guys I wanted to BE.
Learning my identity was scary, I had just started learning about this whole new community of people that I hadn’t known before! While I was relieved to finally have a marker for why I was so depressed all the time, things only got worse for ya boy. I thought that once I came to terms with this part of my identity, everything would finally feel right. I was wrong; some things still felt off. I pushed everything down, and continued living as a “tomboy,” allowing nobody to see this side of me. Despite my efforts to ignore my true self, the gnawing voice in my head kept saying, “Hey! Listen! What are you doing?!” It was like I had my very own Navi from The Legend of Zelda.
I had looked up a bunch of trans men, and searched for information on all the surgeries. Although it made me excited, I realized “Oh crap, I’m like, 13! I’m gonna have to wait till I’m at least 18 to get ANY of this.” This dropped me in a rut. Do I wait? Do I tell my mom? What will I do? I waited till I was 15, and finally came out to my mom as trans. She took it great and didn’t stop loving me… I was her son after all. After that, I came out to my brothers and sisters- I wasn’t as worried about them. Next came the BIG ONE, my Dad. I waited till November of 2018 to tell him, he didn’t care what I was, as long as I was happy.
Of course, I have my bad days. Sometimes, I don’t have the strength to get up for school. Other days, I won’t leave my room to do anything other than go to the bathroom and get food. The days where all I can think about is how my body doesn’t match my brain, I probably get my biggest wave of dysphoria. Through it all. the support of my family and friends keeps me going. They are all accepting of me, and for that I am forever grateful.
Before coming out, I had no connections to the community. No one in my family was LGBT (that I knew of), I didn’t know a single gay person (tragic, I know) and I had never met anyone who didn’t identify as straight. Now, I have a bisexual sister and multiple LGBTQ+ friends, whom I love dearly. I know my story isn’t as sobering as others, but there’s a lot I left out, and for good reason. I don’t want to focus on the bad, and I don’t want my words to read like a sad story. After years of feeling sad, my goal is to continue being a ray of sunshine in life.
To the 13/14-year-old trans boy sitting in his room, crying his eyes out in the late hours of the night because he thinks he’s alone in this fight, I was in your shoes once. I promise you, you are not alone in this fight. You have so many brothers around you who share the same hardships you’re going through. If your goal is for a medical transition, I want you to live to see the day you wake up from surgery, or the day you get that first shot. Keep fighting. Stay strong, kid.
Love, Sam.
(yes, that’s a Love, Simon reference.)
