MAE
MICHIGAN | SERIES # 4
This is my queer life story.
Getting pushed into a corner was a good thing for me. The adversity I faced has directly produced my motivation for advocacy.
During puberty, a chemical imbalance in my brain had caused my first depressive episode. It was all the right notes of middle school depression; rainy days, staying in my room, big blankets, and Netflix asking if I'm still there. During that time, I had my queer awakening through a show called Princess Jellyfish (PJ).
PJ was about this small nerdy girl-Tsuki- who lives in a small apartment with 5 other social outcast women. One day she meets a queer person-Kura-; a perceived male who cross-dresses. While Kuras family doesn't appreciate their actions, Tsuki is massively supportive, and becomes infatuated on their behalf. This show mirrored my real-life relationship with a recent friend I made named Jess. After bingeing the 10 episode series in 2 days, I asked Jess to watch the show. We both saw the connection to my life, and we started to discuss the possibility that I was transgender.
She showed me what being a woman meant for her. She showed me how to shave my legs, wear tights & a dress, and do my own makeup. Like most hormonal preteens, the sexual tension between us was also through the freaking roof. Our sex-ed education was abstinence-only. We had no idea what the feelings we had meant for two best friends. Our feelings for each other made us both awkward, and there were gaps of time where we had little to no contact.
This changed the night before the pre-SAT exams. It was 3 AM, and the two of us discussed how I hurt her. I accepted my responsibility and was riddled with guilt. Four hours later, I went to my pre-SAT exam, but the guilt consumed my thoughts.. I had a panic attack during the math portion. After that event, I saw the social divide that was splitting us apart from having any form of relationship.
A year later, I got a text when coming out of work. Jess wanted to try again, and the summer going into junior year was filled with memories together. It was a stagnant way to love someone. We both had wanted a beautiful relationship at one point, but knew we were 5 years too late. Eventually, I moved on to a fulfilling and nurturing relationship.
Going back to my childhood is full of emotional, medical and physical abuse. After spending a good part of my life getting spanked by my father; we eventually found the cause of my behavioral issue. I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2nd grade. The side effects of my subsequent medication were undesired by me. While I focused in class, I never really learned anything despite my apparent fixation with the one corner of the classroom. I also lost apatite when I was on the drug which resulted in me developing anorexia. I was on and off drugs through elementary school and middle school.
Drugs were one solution to my hyperactivity. The other was physical abuse. What started out as spankings, turned into random thrashings with a stick. While tears ran down my face, I’d be emasculated with feminine nicknames like ‘Sally’. I had 3 older sisters that my dad had hurt before, but nowhere near what he had done to me. No action was made to stop my father by my alcoholic mother or my 3 careless sisters. This made me develop a deep-seated hate against family dynamics.
When I got off my ADHD meds, my mind felt clearer, and my tolerance for abuse was gone. was able to see more fascists of abuse. I had no way out until February 17th, 2017, when I was attacked by my father for being trans. With all LGBT+ identities come a phase of being in the closet. In 8th grade, the school decided to tell my parents about my crossdressing habits. He drove me to each therapy appointment at Pine Rest.
I will never forget my father's words when he walked into my therapy space. “I want the cross-dressing shit to stop,” he declared before walking out. I sat on the couch with my head down, feeling ashamed (although I had no reason to be ashamed). The following months were filled with my therapist constantly asking me if it was a phase. The therapist concluded that I may get over it, which caused me to have a fear of therapists
In high school, I was heavily involved in theatre. I was not fully out, but became friends with two transmen who showed me a lot. They were allowed to dress in the men's dressing room. I asked to join the girls of the cast for their all-girls cast movie night. Everyone was supportive, with the exception of one girl who didn't know how to say no. She decided to contact her father, who just so happened to be my school counselor. The counselor decided to contact his boss about what this school-sanctioned event should allow. The principle of the school said it should stay segregated by gender. “We have decided to keep this all women's event,” I was told. It hurt. The other women leaders of the cast made it extremely clear that they do not stand by the girl’s actions. I moved on with my life, but the drama did not.
The guidance counselor contacted parents about me, and those parents contacted my Dad. I came home after a date one night, and my dad was in the driveway. We had a violent encounter, and I rushed inside to call my friend to pick me up. They dropped what they were doing at practice and come to my aid. We sat down together, and I cried. I had never really thought much about my experiences of my abuse.
For the next two days, I ran away from home. I had to explain what was happening to the theater director. I sat inside the high school music hall, as the sunlight baked me. I was calling shelter hotlines for young women fleeing domestic abuse; my friend was there with me while we were on the phone. We looked at each other and decided to hang up. The anxiety I gained over not having a safe space as a trans woman will continue. The shelter just wasn't made for trans women, just like my own school.
I spent those two days away teaching myself a lot about my own rights as a minor of 15. I found out that I had very little say in the matter. While talking to CPS and to police officers over the phone, I found out that my parents had almost total ownership of me. This is also where I developed my first trigger. Being labeled as a minor became such a hurtful word. These adults would tell me “you can't do that since you are a minor.” While they were correct, it still just made my heart hurt over how little power I had over my own life.
After this event, I realized I could no longer rely on my parents for economic support. Moving into my Junior year I had decided to enlist in Military service. This would give me immediate independence from my family. I got a call the day Trump put down the transgender ban. How unfortunate.
I am now studying at Davenport University and am on the Board of Directors for the Michigan Organization of Adolescent Sexual Health. This is part of a recommendation letter my boss at MOASH sent to AIDS Watch 2020.
“Mae has been involved with MOASH for over a year and has proven to be incredibly engaged, reliable, and accountable. Mae is a transgender activist with a focus on creating policy increasing and defining student rights. She is a natural leader who has worked alongside her youth advisory council peers, as well as MOASH staff and partners. Mae has the important ability to inform and educate peers in a valuable, meaningful, and productive manner. Mae has taken the time to educate me (as well as other MOASH staff and partners), either in formal training or in less formal conversation. This increased awareness has led to new perspectives on critical issues that have shaped programming…. - Taryn Gal, 2019.
