RO
NEBRASKA | SERIES # 4
When I was 9, I told myself I was either going to marry Hayley Williams or I wasn’t getting married. Flash forward to today and same sex marriage is legal, but Hayley Williams has yet to slide into my dms. Tragic. The first time I ever officially considered myself queer was the 3rd grade. Being young and queer isn’t super difficult when you don’t understand what it means to be different. Once I hit middle school, things got a little harder. I consider myself very lucky in terms of difficulties I faced in my life. I never thought I would be discriminated against or hated for being different, but pre-teen girls can be very cruel.
I wasn’t super familiar with my own sexuality outside of knowing that I was attracted to people regardless of gender. I wasn’t shy about it because I didn’t think it was a problem. In the 7th grade, I was bullied for how I dressed, my hobbies and how I acted. The thing that bothered me most was being targeted for a crush I had on a girl in my science class. I didn’t understand how it could be a bad thing. Nobody was getting hurt by me liking a girl. This was the first time I really noticed homophobia and it was a harsh reality. After that, it was much easier to see it in my friends, family and community.
Omaha has a fairly large queer community, and once I was able to connect with that community, I felt like things were more okay. Support is one of the most important things to have when you’re trying to figure out who you are. Going to pride for the first time felt like a breath of fresh air. I lied to my parents about where I was going, afraid of how they would react if they knew what I was actually doing that night. In the years to come, I was more open about it, but avoided talking about it directly, hoping to avoid triggering any internalized homophobia I knew was lurking. My parents were never unsupportive, but they made it a point to not acknowledge the pride flags I hung up in my room my junior year.
My older brother has always been a big support to me. He’s my only sibling and we both accept each other exactly as we are. I think it’s really important for everybody to have one person they can count on to just love them as they are, no matter what. My brother is the only member of my family I ever officially come out to. I just never bothered to with my parents, it wasn’t something we talked about. Being able to come out to my brother gave me a sense of freedom that I felt I was missing. I didn’t feel unsafe in my space, but I didn’t think it was smart to be openly queer in my parent’s house. Things do change over time, though. My mom eventually became more open about LGBT+ topics and even ended up going to my city’s Pride parade with me.
My identity has changed many times over the years. When I was younger, being able to find a label I identified with was very important to me. I tried on many different expressions of my sexuality and gender. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting with your own identity and trying different labels. The way I define my sexuality today is extremely different than how I defined it when I was 15, and that’s okay. Change is part of growing and wanting to find things that you feel define you is important. However, recently I have identified more with wide, open terms that generally define me rather than specific ones. If I were asked to pin down my sexuality, I would say that I am asexual and pan-romantic, but I prefer to just identify as queer. It’s okay to not know exactly who you are. Sexuality and gender are fluid and can change at any time! By identifying as a queer person, I feel that I give myself the freedom to explore other aspects of myself without having to worry about a label that I may feel I have to stick to.
Figuring out who you are is part of growing up, but it’s okay not to know. People are always changing. I just started my first year of college and things are so different from when they were when I was a scared middle schooler. People change and things get better. Nothing is permanent, and accepting that I don’t have to be what anyone expects me to be is one of the kindest things I have done for myself. The advice I would give to any young person struggling with their identity is to accept change, find support anywhere you can, and to not be afraid to explore identities. Get in touch with local queer support groups, go to pride, or join your school’s GSA group if they have one. Being a part of a community makes what you’re going through so much easier. Knowing you’re loved and you are free to be whoever you want to be is the most important thing in life.
