ASHTON
NORTH DAKOTA | SERIES # 4
For as long as I can remember I felt I was living as someone else. My body never matched the way I felt about myself or how I wanted to be perceived. But I never understood why. I always enjoyed playing with the other little boys, even though sometimes they would make comments like, you can’t do this or that because you’re a girl. I didn’t get it, the concept of gender and gender roles was not something I understood.
The second grade is when I realized there was a physical difference to men and women. To make up for it I started wearing more masculine clothing to make myself feel more comfortable about myself, but it didn’t help with what I knew I was lacking.
I was so scared to tell anyone what I was feeling. Through second, third, and fourth grade I bottled up these feelings and got extremely depressed and anxious. I stopped talking to people because I was afraid of what they thought of me, but these clothes were the only thing I was comfortable in.
I really wanted to cut my hair but was nervous to tell my mom. When she was trimming my hair, I kept asking to cut it shorter and shorter till she wouldn't. I am an extremely big people pleaser and very rarely say no, so I was told what to do and pushed around real easily.
This made everything hard because people were asking me why I look like this and telling me what I should change. I wanted to make people happy so I did what they asked. This includes my parents. I started getting depressed and started self harming to try and distract myself and make myself numb. I completely stopped talking to people due to irrational fears. You could barely hear me speak even if I was comfortable around you, and I tried to kill my self multiple times. Puberty was my lowest time. Developing as a woman was the worst thing that could happen at that point in time. My dysphoria got worse and worse.
In fifth grade I started getting more anxious and it overwhelmed me, so I tried to change myself for others. I started dressing in girls clothes and tried to seem more approachable, hiding all the pain I felt inside.
When middle school came along I completely changed myself because I thought there was nothing else I could do. I became that quiet, pretty girl who was good at everything. Perfect. I was so depressed and anxious and still had trouble talking to people. I cried almost every night. When 7th and 8th grade came I met a few people who wiggled into my life and saved me. They were in the LGBTQ+ community and very accepting. Before meeting them, I had no idea about anything in the LGBTQ+ community. They all really helped me come out of my shell, but I continued to dress and act like a girl because I was afraid of what everyone would think. Even these amazing people in my life. The anxiety was still there.
Once 9th grade rolled around I slowly became more comfortable about being bisexual, so I slowly started telling people, and everyone was so accepting and amazing. I didn’t expect it at all. Eventually I finally got the guts to ask my parents to bring me to a therapist about my anxiety and depression. I started getting to know myself and felt more comfortable and I started on anxiety and depression meds which also helped with my dysphoria.
By the next year I was finally ready to start coming out as trans. I first told my best friend at the time who was really supportive and slowly started telling people I trusted. I started wearing more masculine clothes, asked people to call me they/them, and started binding. Sophomore year I cut my hair and over time I started going by he/him and Ashton. I continued to slowly come out to my school and started attending a GSA group in school.
I was nervous about what my parents might think of me. So I came out to them in a letter. They were very confused since for the last 3-4 years I was pretending to be a girly girl. They didn’t really accept me at first. They didn’t change anything, though I couldn't blame them. I knew they needed time to process this situation.
I continued too slowly come out in school and started attending the GSA group. Since I was nervous to tell some people and didn’t want to correct everyone, I am still called by the wrong pronouns to this day.
Junior year I finally stopped playing girls volleyball and basketball. I was so much happier. Not only was it very awkward with hairy legs, it just felt wrong. I continued to do track and field to get the scholarships for going to state. Unfortunately I can’t now, since I can’t be on the women's team once I physically transition, but for me it’s worth it. I have been trapped in this body my entire life. I wish to start hormone therapy before high school ends so I can compete on the boys team. My parents are finally starting to come along, so it could be possible. My mother’s side is Catholic though — I hope to eventually tell them as well.
I’ll just keep on pushing. It does get better.
I really want to spread my story so I can help others who are in the same situation. I am starting a YouTube channel (Ashton Warne) where I make videos on trans and LGBTQ+. I am also in a program called SADD where I will hopefully share my story.
If you ever need support, talk to a school counselor, or find a GSA or support group if you can’t get access to a therapist. Talk to someone. It will help. If not immediately, then in the long run.
You are loved.
