ADAM
NEBRASKA | SERIES # 4
My name is Adam and I am a North Dakota transplant to Nebraska of all places. Let’s start off by combatting a few misconceptions. I did not grow up in the middle of a corn field nor did I ever witness a person driving a tractor to school. I lived my entire life in a big city. But this was still a city in the Midwest. Realizing and accepting my queerness in an environment latent with passive homophobia was an interesting experience. From the ages of thirteen to seventeen I lived exclusively in between places. I avoided bathrooms and hallways like the plague. I took four straight years of summer school gym to avoid the locker room. Between 7th and 12th grade I couldn’t count the number of lunch periods I spent in the library. I was never truly a part of any one group. Always ‘too’ something. Too shy to be a drama kid, too clumsy to play sports, too invested in music to be a nerd, and too studious for the burn outs. I didn’t find a place I truly felt I belonged until sophomore year, and even then it was in a hodgepodge group of kids from the fringes of different social groups that never quite fit together.
I came out for the first time when I was thirteen, sobbing on my best friend’s floor after a full day of taunts and jeers. The thing is, people always think they know you better than you know yourself. The first time I had someone make fun of me for “acting gay” I was only nine years old. This was before I even knew what gay meant. Unsurprisingly, this bullying only intensified as we got older. I had people scream slurs in my face, tell me that I should just kill myself, and a few even physically attacked me, although that was admittedly rare. All of this piled on top of me, but I still found my people. At first I stuck close to the people looking to disappear just like I was, but support comes in unlikely places. Even after my high school’s GSA was shut down, I stayed unafraid.
I ended up joining the academic decathlon team. A group of people who took tests for fun ranging from a starter on the football team, his best friend the stoner, a kid with a 5.0 gpa on a four point scale, a Muslim girl who wanted to be a fashion designer, a boy who survived on nothing but a steady diet of memes, and a freshman who joined a year after me even though you’re really supposed to be a junior to join. None of us belonged together, but we became a family. These were the people who accepted my truth, who let me hide behind them in hallways, who switched shoes with me when I was forced to wear heels for an event, who drove me back and forth from every practice and competition, who acted more like parents than my own ever will.
The best advice I could give anyone is to just keep going. You will find your people along the way even if it’s not who you’d expect. There will be good days but there will also be bad and that’s okay. When met with resistance keep on going, but remember that we all have ways to cope. No one can be strong 100% of the time and no one expects you to be. I have always used music as a coping mechanism. It’s a surefire way to drown out the world around you. I worship at the shrines of Bowie and Mercury and praise the likes of Palaye Royale and the Ramones. Even if it doesn’t happen for a while and even if it seems like no progress has been made, I promise things get so much better. Stay gorgeous and don’t forget to love yourself even when others say you shouldn’t.
