AVERY
OKLAHOMA | SERIES # 4
My story starts when I was two. I cut all my hair off in the middle of the night, and I remember doing it. There’s a VHS tape of my dad asking me, “Hey, why did you cut off all your hair?” and my innocent two-year-old self replied, “Cause I want to be a boy!”. My parents laughed it off, not worried about a thing.
I liked to play with all kinds of toys, as long as it was interesting enough for me to pick up. I was never like those kids on TV that at age five demanded they wear clothes of the opposite gender assigned at birth. When I was little I was pretty much like any other girl. I liked remote cars and Wonder Pets, lots and lots of Wonder Pets.
Most people say; “I have always known I was Transgender/Gay/etc”. But it’s not always that way, and I doubted myself for a very long time because of that statement. It took a while for me to consider I wasn’t cis and even longer for me to accept it.
My gender wasn’t always something that made me upset, for example when I was younger I never really thought twice about it. I don’t think I cared either way, until expectations of a ‘female life’ was set upon me. This started to become unbearable when my body started to change in ways I knew was inevitable, yet I never wanted. I honestly thought hating yourself was normal for someone going through this, as people around me told me, “It’s just hormones”.
My reaction to this was volatile and self destructive. I began eating less, trying so hard to like my appearance, and being confident. I wanted to look in the mirror and smile, but would always end up in front of the mirror crying, with the biggest sense of hopelessness I’ve ever felt. I had no idea what to do and fell into a deep depression. I was told that was normal and ‘“just hormones” again.
At this time I was involved in a secular Co-op, yet the people there were very Christian. I remember this one girl who was a junior at the time being shamed for coming out as pansexual. This was the first time I felt I might not be accepted in my environment. When I realized I was bisexual or something of the sort in about six or seventh grade, I asked my best friend what she thought of gay people. She said that she didn’t agree with it because of how disgusting it is, and that they would burn in hell anyway. Conveniently this was the last day of school and I haven’t seen her since!
One day I had a realization while watching Miles McKenna’s coming out video. I cried. I didn’t know why I cried, but I did. After that, something clicked for me. I finally felt an explanation for how I felt, but at the same time was so scared of it. I actually identified as non-binary for a while, because I thought that would be easier than accepting myself for who I am. It’s never an easier option, in reality.
I told somebody I trusted at the time, yet no longer trust for unrelated reasons. We were in the back of a 12 passenger van, heading to the airport to go home. I simply said, “I think I’m non-binary or something like that.” She just sat there for second and said “Okay, do you ever think you might be a guy someday?” I froze when I heard that. I said yes. Big shocker, I was right.
I don’t really have a lot to say about how people reacted in a school situation because I’m homeschooled, and have been my whole life. My coming out experience with my mom was actually quite easy because she asked me. (It was pretty obvious I was trans looking back on it). Of course there was a ton of crying, from her and me both. My dad’s reaction was, “Well yeah it makes sense, you look like me!” While I still do not understand that, I'm glad he and my step-siblings are accepting.
It takes some time when coming out, especially when you’re trans, for your parents and people around you to adjust. It’s very important to understand what they are going through and to try to not meet questions with defensiveness. Some questions may seem really dumb to you, but in reality whoever you are coming out to may not know a single thing about transgender people. If any parents are reading this, please be patient and communicative as well. Your child may have been holding these secrets for years, and aren’t used to people asking them questions about it.
After I separated from my friend group at school, I made the best decision I ever made in my life (so far!) and decided to go to a queer youth group. I had already come out as bisexual. That was the first time ever I went by he/him pronouns and got a binder. Being seen as who I wanted made me so incredibly happy, and I have my group leader and all of my friends to thank for that. I love them so much and don’t know what I’d do without them.
At the same time, I felt guilty for my family. I felt guilty because I thought it was a huge bother for them to try and use my pronouns. I still feel guilty sometimes but I have to remember that they accept me and are trying their best to make me comfortable and happy.
At the time of writing this, I’m thinking about changing my name. I decided not to previously because of that guilt explained earlier. I justified the pronouns but thought a name change would be too much. I know my name now (Avery) is very unisex, but I’m just not comfortable with it anymore. I feel as if it’s connected to my past identity. My past will always inevitably be a part of me, but hearing my birth name at this name makes me think ‘female’. Additionally, a different name will help me pass, and I’ve already decided.
I worry that it will be very difficult for my family, but it’s something I have to do. I already told my friends about, and have been called my chosen name for some time at this point.
I started this project as Avery and am finishing it as Vinny. Or Vince, or Vin. Whatever you wanna call me. That’s fun, I guess. I’m glad I have a platform to share my process, though.
So here I am. Am I perfect, and have everything figured out? No, absolutely not. But I’m so much happier than I think I’ve ever been. I’ve learned something really important in the last few years. Just be yourself.
Stop being what you think other people will like. It’s a waste of time and energy. People will see you as earnest and more of a trustable person if you take the mask off, and be yourself. As I said earlier, it’s such a good feeling to be yourself.
There will always be a loving community for you. Even if it’s not your current friend group or family, you will find it eventually.
