DARIAN
MICHIGAN | SERIES # 4
I came out as pansexual my sophomore year of high school and as gender non-binary my junior year. Fortunately, neither of these things have caused too many changes in my home or social life, if any. Still, I always get the feeling that people think I’m clinging onto buzzwords I read on tumblr four years ago as an attempt to make myself more interesting. In other words, I worry people don’t take my queer identity seriously.
This mostly manifests itself in relation to my gender. My gender expression didn’t change too dramatically after I came out, nor did I feel that it had to. I was also fairly quiet about being non-binary and my use of they/them pronouns throughout the rest of high school, only telling close friends and the members of my school’s GSA. I myself treated my gender identity as a passive thing for the longest time in fear of stepping on any toes or being called out as a crazy liberal at my conservative-majority school. This, I believe, has led me into the sticky situation that I’m in now. It seems like people think it’s okay to misgender me because of my past passivity. I’m having to be more confrontational, probably as I should have been to begin with.
I’m not much better at handling the confrontation. I now have my pronouns in all of my social media bios, and am at least open on the internet about being non-binary. Still, it’s incredibly difficult for me to correct people in person.
Whether it be family, acquaintances, or strangers, the sting of someone using the wrong pronouns doesn’t get any easier. It’s even more frustrating when I feel like I have to educate people on what being non-binary is and how to use my pronouns. These are conversations I feel like I don’t always have the energy to engage in, so I often op to not correct people at all.
In the year and a half or so, I’ve been getting a lot better at advocating for myself. I’m still not quite at the level I would want to be at, but any progress is good in my book. Part of this improvement has been due to my involvement in queer events and groups. It can be so draining to spend so much of your time with bland cis heteros, and having your queerness misunderstod can make you feel invalid. However, I’ve noticed that the more time I spend with other LGBTQ+ people/educated allies, the more confident and secure I feel in my own skin. This is particularly the case when I spend time with other trans and gender non conforming individuals.
A few months ago, I started attending a support group here in Holland called Gender SAFE. For those of you that aren’t familiar with Holland, Michigan, let’s just say that I was a bit surprised when I heard there were any resources for the LGBTQ+ community at all, let alone a group dedicated to the trans and GNC community.
The group and the people in it mean the world to me. It’s been so important for me to be surrounded by people who get it, and to listen to/be inspired by their stories. Even just being in an environment twice a month where my pronouns are readily understood and accepted makes me feel a sense of power. I feel incredibly validated by my trans siblings, and this validation gives me a greater sense of confidence. This means that even when I am misgendered, it doesn’t bother me as much because I know there’s an entire group of twenty-thirty people who see me for who I am.
I’ll admit that I still have a long way to go in accepting myself and my queerness, but I’m managing it bit by bit with help from other community members.
I urge any LGBTQ+ person reading this to try to connect with others in the community. Whether online or in person, connections with our queer and trans siblings are ones that will help and uplift us the most through our journeys.
