ELI
MICHIGAN | SERIES # 4
About three years ago, I came out as transgender. I was eleven or twelve at the time, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to this day. I thought that I was going to lose everything and have to start over new, but was surprised that my friends and family completely accepted me. Looking back, I don’t know why I even thought they’d have a problem with it. I guess the internet had an over-flux of stories from people who’s coming out experiences went horribly wrong.
Surprisingly, the worst part of my transition (mental health wise) didn’t happen until after I got hormone therapy. In July of 2017 (July 8th, I still remember the date and I probably always will), I was incredibly excited to have my first shot. A year and a half later, I’m still very happy with what’s happened with the testosterone. My worst year, though, was probably the 2017/18 school year. I was in 8th grade then, and I struggled with depression, anxiety, self harm, and eating disorders.
In October of 2017, I was in a partial hospitalization program for about two weeks and I struggled with going to school for months after. I don’t think I realized how bad it got until I had an anniversary period of depression in October of 2018. During this time, I literally couldn’t get out of bed for two weeks. (not because of my hormones, but it was a bad year in general).
Though I still struggle with depression and anxiety, I have gotten past my former struggles with self harm and eating disorders. Many years of therapy and DBT skills coaching have taught me how to handle the worst parts of my depression and anxiety, and help me function in society, un-medicated. I will forever be thankful to anyone who has ever helped me in a therapy setting. Without all of you, I wouldn’t have the skills to maintain where I am today. Currently, my mental health is the best it’s ever been. Everyone has their own journey with their mental health, and everyone has problems. I’m fortunate enough to have people to talk about it openly with.
Another thing that’s helped me a lot is writing. I love writing and do it all of the time. I handle my more depressive and anxious thoughts by writing my fiction book, titled Thanks To You. Everything else goes into my memoir and research books about addiction and health. I think that it’s good to have an outlet of some kind, and I have many others besides writing. I play instruments, knit, listen to music, read, paint, and do various other things. Everyone has something that they like doing, and if you channel yourself into those things when you feel like the world is ending, you can get away with living. Also, meditation and acupuncture have helped me a ton too!
Now, in high school, I’ve decided to closet myself for the first time in three years. I mostly decided to do it because I was so tired of people introducing me as “Eli, he’s trans,” or “my trans friend.” I’m sure that a lot of other people can relate. I spent a long time feeling like I was being labeled by other people, and I had to be what they were labeling me as.
Giving myself the space to explore my identity, without interference from other people’s labels, has allowed me to discover parts of myself that I probably would’ve have discovered otherwise.
My gender identity isn’t 100% transgender. I’m transmasculine. I don’t need to wear strictly masculine clothes to be a man. I’m allowed to wear nail polish, experiment with makeup, and wear a crop top, even. If I feel like that’s me, I’ll do it. I am still a man. I do still dislike my feminine body, but that doesn’t mean that I have to block out every aspect of femininity from my day to day life.
So my advice? Don’t take shit. If you don’t like how someone’s talking about you, shut them down. No one can define you, except for you. Transcend labels. Live your best life. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to be scared; it’s okay to be anxious, or depressed or whatever. It’s ok to be different.
It’s ok to be you. <3
