ERIK
MICHIGAN | SERIES # 4
My name is Erik. I am 18 years old. I use he/him pronouns, and I am from Farmington, Michigan.
I'm the President of my school’s GSA which is pretty cool. In the LGBTQ+ community, I identify as a transgender pansexual.
My experience as a pansexual has been very influenced by my experience as a trans person. When you're trans, dating within the same gender is already a little hard at times. When you're trans, it takes all of the risks and possible rejection to a whole new level.
Just because I'm gay and the other person's gay, doesn't mean that they are necessarily attracted to me as a transman. So, it's been my life. My high school experience was just kind of uncomfortable. Growing up, I didn't know I was trans or any kind of homosexual for a really long time. It wasn’t something I had thought about.
Looking back at some of my early memories, I always say, “Oh yeah, he was definitely trans.” In summer camp, we would play dodgeball, and I’d hear, “Okay, all the boys line up here, all the girls line up here.” I would stand right in the middle, and be met with “Oh, buddy, we don't care which side you pick, but you got to pick a side.” I always went to the boys' side.
Even in middle school, I wasn't sure. All my friends were guys. I don't know. For me it was kind of weird because they were my friends, but I always felt some kind of disconnect with them. It was like I couldn’t be on the same level as them, because I was a girl. I thought I hated that they didn't treat me like a girl, but in reality, I just didn't want to be a girl. Ultimately, that had nothing to do with the way they treated me.
The funny thing about being gay and trans is that you come out like five or six times. The first time I came out, I was talking to my Dad and we were in an argument about whether or not I could go on a weekend vacation with my friend who was a guy. And my Dad said “Wow, I don't know. I don't think you should be hanging out with boys at your age.” I'm like, “Dad, I don't even know if I like boys.” And he's like, “Oh, what? Excuse me?” I said, “Yeah.” And then there was a whole hour of me crying and a family meeting. It was super fun.
Then I came out as genderfluid (before I came out as trans). I wondered, “Ah, am I pansexual?” and came out as that. Finally, I came out for the last time and said, “Yeah, I'm a boy too.”
My biggest advice is to find your group or your chosen family. Find your tribe, even if it's just one person. It doesn't have to be, but it could be your Mom, it could be your friend, or a teacher even. Just have that one person that you're really close to, who you can share everything with. If you can't find that person in your day- to-day life, a therapist can be for you as well. Even if it's not a “therapist-therapist”, there's someone who can check-in with you about your concerns on a day to day basis (maybe a school counselor). I’ve been going to our local center for testosterone advice and speaking with their counselors. It has been very helpful. Know your resources, and make sure your peers and ones around you, really like you for you. If they love you, they should know what kinds of things hurt you. If they're your friend, they know it's not funny to you if someone uses derogatory terms. As your friend, they won’t want to hurt you.
