ESPERANZA
CALIFORNIA | SERIES # 4
I am not a face or a figure. I am simply a soul on this journey we call life. I was born a “male” in the Midwest and grew up in a Central American household. Both of my parents are from Honduras, and I am proudly Central American. At a young age, I was often questioned, judged, rejected, and treated as less than for my strong femininity that has always lived in me.
As a child, my family was bothered by how I would speak, walk, and move. My natural being was considered way too feminine. I didn’t walk, talk, or do anything like a man. I was not enough for them. One of the most hurtful memories I have from my childhood, was when I was younger. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating my Wheaties. My father was walking around cleaning, my sister was sitting across from me, and my mother was in the kitchen cooking. I said something and my father called me out, “Talk like a man, you said that like a woman.” I was completely caught off guard. He told me, “Repeat it again and say it like a man this time!” I repeated it, but it still sounded too feminine.
He went on an angry rant. “You’ve been speaking this way for a while, too, you need to get it together.” I talked back and it made him even more angry. He then told me, “I don’t have any f@#%+=s in my family. You better not be one. It’s time you change.” I remember looking down at my cereal bowl with tears running down my face. My heart was heavy, and my soul felt attacked. I felt in my being that I was only speaking in the way that was natural to me and wasn’t trying to sound like any specific gender. I remember feeling incredibly alone in that moment. I felt unloved, unworthy, and rejected. An emptiness embodied me.
In that moment, I remember my mother walking over to me with her bath towel wrapped around her head. She came over as I cried. My mother placed her hand behind me and rubbed my back. She told me, “Don’t cry, eat your cereal.” I remember my eyesight being unclear, like a window on a rainy night. When I looked up at my sister, she sat there in silence staring at me. I was looking for comfort from someone, but in that specific moment I remember feeling incredibly alone. In a room full of all my immediate family, I wasn’t enough. That morning no one defended my soul. I now know why my own mother did not defend me. She didn’t defend me because she felt the same way as my father. I understand it all so clearly. The ignorance was real. Sadly, at a young age, my parents were brainwashed to believe that a man must be a certain way and a woman as well. into conforming to ignorant beliefs without their knowledge. I understand that they only treated me the way they did because their ignorance was deeply rooted, and it began when they were children. They carried the beliefs they were taught, which is why I don’t hate them. I understand why they are the way they are.
Fifth grade was the toughest year of elementary school for me. I was constantly disrespected and mistreated simply because of who I am. I was too feminine for a “male”. The majority of the class always called me gay. I was known as the gay boy. Mind you, I was only called that because of my femininity. I know... how pathetic. The worst memory was on a day we had a substitute teacher. She was reading a book to the class. One of the students said something about me, I defended myself, and another student told me, “You have aids!” Many students laughed and joined in on the verbal attacks. I remember looking directly at the substitute teacher for help. She stopped reading, stared at me, and did nothing. I then lowered my head onto my desk and cried. No one seemed to care. My soul felt attacked, once again. In a room filled with students and a terrible substitute teacher, I felt alone. I know what it feels like to not belong... anywhere. Everywhere I went, whether home, school, the bus stop, etc., I was rejected. Because of my undeniable femininity, I lived of living hell. Little does the Midwest know that they were the ones who made me the strong soul I am today. Thank You Midwest. When a bone breaks and heals, it becomes the strongest bone in your body. I was unknowingly being strengthened.
Unfortunately, the world relates femininity to homosexuality. In my eyes, that is ignorance in its purest form. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely different things. It’s so sad that I have to explain this. People think they know you, but they really don’t. They only know what you allow them to know. Always be mindful of this. No one knows you better than yourself.
At sixteen, I reached a breaking point. It seemed like every day I was mistreated and disrespected because of my femininity, all because of how I speak, walk, and naturally am. Constantly being called names left me fed up. The nights of crying myself to sleep was my release from the pain the world caused me. I wanted to die that night, thinking that if this was all my life would consist of, then I no longer wanted any part of it. It seemed like every day I had no choice but to face hate. I was constantly confronting the ignorant, narrow-minded, insecure spirits, who were unable to accept my soul as it is. I wanted to leave this world and wanted my soul to be free from the hate I had been battling for years.
In that time of darkness, The Universe guided me. I was given hope to hold on, to bring me to this current place in my life. In 2018, The Universe granted my wish for a new beginning in a place where I could be my most authentic self, proud of the life I live. An unexpected trip to California presented itself to me. It felt right to go, so I did. When I got to California, I felt a strong positive shift in energy upon landing. Within a few hours of being there, I knew it was where I was destined to be. I would not board my returning flight. I took a leap of faith. The most rewarding one I’ve ever taken. I didn’t know where my life was going to go, but I knew I was being guided.
My soul feels free here. I breathe easily with a lighter spirit and no heavy burdens. I now know why I was brought to California. The Universe brought me here to live my true identity – a feminine soul. My femininity has always been undeniably present in me. Years of oppression caused me to reject and hate myself. I am what the world calls Transgender, but we are more than labels. I am more than an appearance. I am a soul. That’s where I exist, despite humanity’s inability to grasp this understanding and vital truth. So much makes sense now. I suffered so much during my childhood because I wasn’t living my truth and was surrounded by so much ignorance. Although I resisted with passion, my soul suffered. Yet I understand that all the suffering I lived through prepared me for this moment to live in authenticity. I never “came out”, I let the world in. I let them see who resides within me, behind my eyes, without chains of oppression, or the hate of the world.
One powerful lesson I’ve learned from my soul journey is that nothing stays the same. Nothing. Everything is temporary. I used to live my life in a place of “I’ll do it tomorrow, next month, next year, next time, next season.” But the bitter truth I’ve come to learn through my painful and learning experiences is that friendships end, people move, houses burn down, and people pass to their next life. You don’t have as much time as you think you do. So, enjoy every opportunity presented to you in this lifetime. Most opportunities only come once in life. All we really have is now. I let that penetrate in my mind and be a driving force for me to live my truth. I’ve learned to take leaps of faith because in the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take.
I now see clearly how The Universe has been guiding me all along. From dreaming of a place where all the broken pieces fit together, to finally living in a place where I connect them. I was never alone, I only felt that way. I have finally embraced that I am a feminine being. It is so powerful When you look in the mirror and actually see yourself, your soul has peace.
My words of wisdom for all my LGBT brothers and sisters is that I need you to know that YOU are loved. Perhaps not by society or even your family, but you are loved by our community that is willing to fight with every heartbeat in them to see you live without limits. We are LGBT. What a privilege! We bring so much vitality and inclusion to a world filled with ignorance and conformity. That is so empowering. We also have the most beautiful flag. Yes, there are battles ahead you will have to face, but all your past suffering prepared you for them. As a transgender human, people will stare, laugh, and harass you for simply being who you are. Let them expose themselves. Let them show you and the world how ignorant they truly are. That is not your problem, it’s theirs. Karma is real. You will find your soul tribe, as long as you know that you’re worthy of unconditional love. Be the brave spirit you were born to be. Always live your truth.
Follow your intuition, take leaps of faith, and let The Universe guide you. The majority of our LGBT community lives with heavy personal pain, but visibility is power. You being your authentic self and living your truth is liberating. When we live in truth, we enlighten. Know that nothing can hold you captive, unless you surrender. Please don’t do it. The Universe wants our souls to live free from fear, in absolute purity. What will defeat hate in the end? The greatest love of all... self-love. People always tell you to believe in yourself, but they never elaborate on what that actually means. It means to love yourself unconditionally. Please do so. It’s why we are here! To live in unconditional love. To live as our most authentic selves. That is the greatest love of all. To be who you are.
