FLORENCE
CALIFORNIA | SERIES # 4
"To live as your authentic self is the truth, a golden rule for a soul fulfilling happiness.” - Florence
We are all on this journey that starts off with a crowd, until you find yourself alone, stuck in a spot because nobody taught you how to deal with the emotional, mental trauma. So, what do you do? Hello, my name is Florence, I am 22 years old, and this is my life as a transgender male. I am 7 out of 15 siblings, and I was born and raised in New York. My parents are both Jehovah Witness, and my experience wasn't as bad as many I heard. When I first came out to my family, they forced religion upon me, making me read the bible and telling me that it was just a phase. I decided to hide myself because they didn’t even try to understand and that was the frustrating part. I did not let how they viewed me and treated me to be the reason why I lived in fear. I lived a double life to them but was always the person to myself as I was to everybody who accepted me as who I was at the time. It was not easy, but it made me the man I am today.
I am LGBT. When I say that, it is because I was bisexual and once identified as a female. I was a lesbian during high school but have always felt like a man inside, so when I was with men, I considered myself as gay. Nobody understood that, but I kept trying to figure things out and explain myself for most of my life. I always see myself as a boy, and my family has only seen my female identity. I went through so much emotional damage because of the lack of understanding.
When I was high school, I really found out who I was. I got kicked out and had to move and start all over. I clashed with my mom a lot because she wanted a female, and probably still does. One of my family members constantly made fun of me as if they were my bully my whole life. I sat down with them and told them that I didn’t like males at all and that I only like females. Ever since that conversation, they have embarrassed me in many different situations due to their lack of understanding or simply them not wanting to understand.
I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel comfortable in my body since the age of 14, but I knew from a young age that I wanted to cut my hair. I did just that in the summer of 2015. I was a boy, but since everybody around me didn’t accept me, I forced myself to present as female until I got the freedom at age 20. I didn’t truly comprehend how to become a man to myself in the mirror and be seen as a man in the eyes of everyone around me. It was my physical appearance that made me lose my self-confidence. Being misgendered, each and every day, was a struggle. It was knowing who I am right now that made me regain my confidence.
There are a few family members that have always seen me for the real me. They always knew I would follow my own path, and they haven’t ever left me. I appreciate every single conversation and every single moment I shared with them just being myself because I didn’t have those moments often. Being misgendered has affected me so much because becoming Transgender has been the best thing in my life.
I changed my whole life the day I started testosterone. I began hormones on July 8, 2017. It was a big deal to my family because I was so happy that I finally found a way to become myself. Nobody understood being transgender, but everybody attacked me because they thought they knew who I was. It felt like everyone was metaphorically jumping me, and this was the most depressing state of my life. They didn’t see the same freedom as me. They judged me without understanding me. I was on hormones for one year when I got sick of being misgendered. It was like my gender was only important to me. I was a growing man, but they only saw a female. I couldn’t live like this anymore, so I left to search for my inner peace. I didn’t expect anything but to finally get respect.
When I decided to leave New York to move to Los Angeles, I only knew one thing, that I was a transgender man and I was free. I arrived in Los Angeles in August 2018, and that’s when I was able to start truly being myself. I thank the Los Angeles LGBT Center for everything in my life, from providing shelter after being homeless to helping me transition. I also get help with my mental health as I have felt suicidal before. I have been in many programs that have helped my career as a poet, author, and filmmaker. Each and every staff member at the Center has helped me since my arrival. Because I went through so much with my family just trying to prove that I have always been a man, I needed to find myself through distance and self-discovery. The Center has provided me with education, employment, and creativity. One of my proudest moments was becoming the Community Ambassador for the Youth Center.
I want everybody to understand how much you aren’t alone. I have discovered myself through the community that I have always been a part of. I have nothing but the utmost respect for each and every person in the LGBT community because this is the reason that I’m learning more about myself every day. All I ever wanted was to be understood and to live as my authentic self. Nobody is alone in their struggle. I had to find my community to realize it, which helped me find myself and find my way through.
I will always remember where I started. I attended my first LGBT youth conference called Models of Pride at the age of 21. I celebrated my first birthday as a trans man at 21. I began to live my dream with the help of my community at the age of 22. My reality is a dream come true.
I chose to start over when I started my transition, and I will continue to be the best person for myself. I live today as my authentic self – a transgender male. I love my body, and I have come to learn that I had to go through everything to get me to where I am today. Life is a long road, sometimes we get so caught up in the past that we don't continue to move forward. My advice is to grow beyond what’s imaginable. Don't let others define you and be the reason you think… you can’t do something. Be strong for yourself, always know people are watching even when you think they aren't, and deeply appreciate the ones who are supporting you.
Sometimes you don't have a perfect start in life, but it's what you become after that’s important. If you take anything from this, learn to look at life your own way and to make it simple for yourself. Nobody knows what's good for you except for you. Fall in love with yourself, heal, and know things will be okay.
