JARON
NEBRASKA | SERIES # 4
Kind. Smart. Creative. Activist. Those are words that describe me. Me, Jaron Lucas Guel. Trans and gay are words that can also be used to describe me. But they are not my personality. People are so focused on those two words that they can’t focus on all the other qualities. I am only “the trans kid” in my school. The only major role I’ve gotten in a high school play was in fact a character that had to change genders for survival. It is a label in my array of labels. But it’s not the biggest label I have. A person’s gender or sexual identity is not the only label worthy of describing them.
I didn’t come out until I was 13, almost 14. I was in 8th grade and I had this really strong urge that I needed to tell someone. This idea of me being trans was the “final form” in a long line of identity changes. I was bi for a while, then pan, then finally, in reading a young adult book, the words came for what I really was. I was transgender. So at 10 PM one night I ran upstairs, straight out of the shower, just straight up sobbing. I ran into my mom’s room and told her that I felt more like a “Joey” than a “Jasmin.” She of course hugged me and told me to go to bed and we’d talk about it later. We did, and I decided that Jaron would be my name and I would go by he/him pronouns. So I started to write Jaron on my papers in school. On the last day of middle school, one of the girls who was my friend at the time, took me around to all of our teachers, reintroducing me. “Hi, this is Jaron. He’s a boy.” She told all four of them. Three were very accepting and didn’t ask questions. But there was one that didn’t agree with that. I haven’t talked to her since. She moved to the high school and still glares at me when she sees me. But now as a high schooler I’m accepted and people use my respective pronouns and name because no one really knows about my past name.
Now, enough about school. I’m going to talk about the “bad” parts of my trans-ness. Or more so, the confusing parts. Like that I have to play pretend to some extent around certain people. I feel extremely bad for the people who I’m friends with whose parents aren’t accepting as they are. Take, for example, my boyfriend. On our first date, I thought he was already aware I was trans. (We met at work and I’m very open about being a male there). Instead, as we sat in his car just talking, he asked me, “Why do you keep your hair so short?” and I responded, “Because it makes me look masculine?”
He gave me a questioning look and I looked back at him. “I’m a gender f**k,” I said, in a dead serious tone. He processed it for a moment, then said okay and continued with our previous conversation. His parents on the other hand have no idea what I am, even though there are clear “context clues.” There is a certain level of ignorance, especially through his mother, who told me, “Well maybe if you wore girly clothes, people wouldn’t mistake you for a boy.”
In my life I’ve come out to so many people. My parents, my siblings, my family, my friends, my own boyfriend. But here, I’ve ran over the conversation in my head so many times. Some days I want to come out to her to rub it in her face somehow. But some days I want her to be eternally confused. There have only been 3 people I was scared to come out to. But she is the top on the list. Other than her, I have my nice little bubble of people who truly love me and care about my well being.
All in all, the cliche message of, “It will all get better,” really does ring true. Honestly, just growing in my self confidence has helped so much. Yes, it takes time, and effort, but that’s what I would suggest to people who are struggling. With anything. Generally working on your confidence and your badass-self helps.
