MONDAY
MICHIGAN | SERIES # 4
I’ve always known I was trans, I just didn’t always have the words for it. I remember being younger and dropping out of sport after sport because I was uncomfortable being placed on the girls team, but I never really understood why I felt that way. It wasn’t until I met another transmasculine person, years later, that I realized and came to terms with my gender identity.
The first time I told someone how I felt about my gender, they had a negative reaction which set off a massive internal struggle to the point where I tried so hard to convince myself that these thoughts and feelings would pass. The second time I came out to someone, in early high school, they welcomed my identity with open arms and gave me tons of support, but then I moved away and transferred schools. I took this new environment as a new start to be proud of my identity and be out. I wasn’t out to any family, so I used school as a place to be who I knew I was.
Being one of few queer kids who were out during high school was rough, and on top of that I had to keep my family away from school because I wasn’t out at home. Keeping my home and school life separate made everything harder. I couldn’t talk to anyone at home about the threats and discrimination I faced. My family missed out on seeing the cool things I did in school, because I was terrified of them finding out my gender identity. I went as far as to not walk at my graduation to receive my diploma, because I wasn’t comfortable being called my dead name and couldn’t request my real name due to my family attending.
I never actually came out to my parents, I was forced out in an unfortunate circumstance. It was everything I had nightmares about and more. I felt so relieved being out, but then I had to deal with the aftermath of being outed.
As I sit here writing this it’s been 5 months since I’ve been outed, and I was able to take hold of the situation. Now, I’m in such an accepting environment. People like to say that the grass is greener on the other side, but honestly the grass is greener wherever it has been well taken care of. I had to rip up and burn the grass before it became green again, and that’s okay.
To whoever needs it, I promise you’re valid. Whether out or in the closet, you’re still valid. Someday you will have green grass too.
