RYDER
NEBRASKA | SERIES # 4
Trigger Warning: Mention of self harm and suicide.
From the very beginning of my life, almost everything about me was different. Some of those different aspects of me were obvious (like the color of my skin or the color of my hair at distinct points of time), and some I had to figure out over the years. Me being transgender was, and still is, one of the aspects of me that developed me into the person I am today.
Since the start, I was not like other children. I was considered very intelligent since elementary school but lacked the social skills needed to form friendships and relationships for the years to come. Because of this, I didn’t have many friends and was known for being “the weird kid.” To this day I only have one friend who is like a sister to me, and she’s been with me through everything. Looking back at the times in elementary school and middle school, I can pinpoint unique events that revealed I was more than “just a tomboy”.
Being assigned female at birth, my parents gave me typical feminine clothing and pushed me to do traditional “female” activities in my youth. But being the rebellious child I was, I always decided to do my own thing, whether my parents liked it or not. I played video games, rode my skateboard, wore “masculine” clothing whenever I got the chance, and much more. I did more “masculine” things than “feminine” my entire life, and for a few years my parents didn’t enjoy that.
It wasn’t until I reached middle school where the wildfire in my life was ignited. Nearly every single day someone would comment about my appearance, the way I talked, or how I was “weird for wanting to do boy things”. These comments and harassment took a mental toll on me. I felt out of place anywhere I was with kids my age. I kept to myself about almost
everything I was going through. But there comes a time when you can’t lie to yourself anymore about how you truly feel on the inside.
My limit was at age 14. I came out as transgender and started going by “Ryder”. A majority of my peers simply ignored me and continued to dead name me and misgender me. I had maybe five or six people who respected my identity, which made me feel both depressed yet relieved. Fast forward to freshman year of high school, I came out again and almost the same results occurred. I wasn’t on testosterone and I didn’t have top surgery yet, and I felt like the world was never going to be good to me.
I vividly remember the moment everything in my high school life crashed. I tried talking to my parents about my identity and they told me they “didn’t have time” for that discussion. I came to the conclusion that if I was going to transition medically, I’d have to do it myself. I began selling drugs and writing essays for money during freshman year. The drugs completely
destroyed my mental health, as that was all I could think about. Money, drugs, and transitioning were the only things on my mind. I didn’t care if I got expelled, I was going to do anything to transition. The mindset I carried was one that no teenager should ever have to experience. Second semester of freshman year, I was called down to the dean's office and consequently was suspended for selling controlled substances on school grounds. The same day I was forced to come out to my parents as transgender, and that if they weren’t going to support me, I would continue down the same path of destruction.
As everyone learns to adjust to events in life, my parents took a few years to accept that I was now their son. But my parents taking their time to accept me wasn’t the end of unfortunate occurrences in my high school life. Towards the end of sophomore year, the harassment got worse. Before yearbooks came out, I got my name changed legally, so my dead name wouldn’t appear in them at all. A student a year older than me (who I had never talked to) decided to go and show my photo to the whole school and publicly out me as “a girl trying to be a boy”. He used my dead name, the wrong pronouns, and overall made life a living hell for me. Because of his ignorance, the entire school knew about me and eventually the entire city. I received death threats for being trans and was told I was never going to be a “real boy.” My mental health deteriorated and I soon went back into drugs, self harm, and attempted suicide several times.
Two months into my junior year the harassment didn’t stop, and I was told by school administrators that they couldn’t do anything because of the First Amendment and freedom of speech. I ended up transferring in the middle of the first semester, due to no authority figure wanting to help me. The only positive thing I can remember from junior year is that I started testosterone and everyone at my new school respected me and enjoyed my presence. Over the course of several months, the harassment gradually stopped and I started to become more comfortable with who I was. Just when I thought things were getting better, the summer of 2018 drastically changed me.
I was approved to get top surgery on June 1st, 2018, about three weeks before my seventeenth birthday. However, with any surgery there is always a rare chance that your body does not heal properly. Even though that chance is relatively low, it happened to me. A week after my surgery I developed a hematoma in my chest which swelled to a very painful and unhealthy level. On top of that, a major artery burst in my left chest, which caused me to get two surgeries. I had to double the healing process and was in the worst pain of my entire life. I was in the hospital thinking, “I’ve been through all of this, and now I’m about to die?” That near death experience turned me around 180 degrees and assisted me in the advice I have for transgender youth who might be going through the same thing as me.
I am now eighteen years old, on testosterone, and have had top surgery. I never would have imagined my life would turn out like this. If you would’ve asked me, “Where do you see yourself in four years?” at the age of 14, I would’ve answered, “Most likely dead.” Living through hell these past years, I’ve been through and seen things that the average person probably doesn’t go through until the late stages of their life. But what I’ve learned from it all is there’s no dream too big and no step too small. Sometimes a detour might have a good reason, and if you look a little closer there’s beauty in every season. Don’t compare the progress you’ve made with others, it’ll only bring you down. You have a journey of your own to go through, and remember, progress and healing is not linear. I’ve relapsed more times than I can count, and I can proudly say today I am healthy and alive, even with the setbacks thrown at me.
Every trans person has their own story and their own journey they go through. Mine is just one of those stories that seemed to never have a happy ending. Now that I’ve graduated and I’m moving on to bigger and better things, I can finally say without hesitation, life does get better. Life, however, does not become perfect. Over time and through obstacles (no matter what they might be) life gets better, but in the end we must all acknowledge it is never perfect. And that’s okay. Even through barriers and hardships an individual encounters in their life, it is good to remember to be positive and be patient. It does get better.
