KIRA
OKLAHOMA | SERIES # 4
When I think about my journey and who I need to share it with, I think about children who simply know they are different and are too scared to admit how they’re different.
That was me. I grew-up in rural Northwestern Pennsylvania. My mom was a secretary, my dad worked in a steel mill. Dad was the toxically masculine type; the kind who would have no tolerance for a gay child, let alone a transgender one. He suffered from an illness that left him permanently brain damaged back in the early 80’s. Around that same time, I came to feel my gender was wrong. Unfortunately, I lacked the strength to share this with my mom, a fact that she currently wishes I had.
I actually thought that when my natal puberty began, I would begin to feel comfortable with my body. But puberty didn’t start when it should have, and in an effort to kick-start the process, I was given testosterone injections. Eventually I did begin puberty, but it brought me no peace with my gender identity. Even I was confused about who I was; I’d stare in the mirror and rehearse saying “I’m Gay” in an effort to find self acceptance. But it never felt right.
After stumbling on a few articles in People magazine about individuals who had transitioned to living as women, I realized there was hope. But I still didn’t tell anyone. I buried my secret for decades and tried to be a “man.” In 2004 I moved far away from friends and family, and set out to find myself on the Big Island of Hawaii. There I took in all the beauty and horrific solitude. While I suffered with depression my whole life, it wasn’t till I was all alone that I experienced my first suicide attempt.
I got past that, and kept being a “man.” Eventually I would meet my wife online and marry her in 2005. We’d move a couple times before settling back in Oklahoma - where she was from. In 2009, the marriage was rocky, and once again I tried to kill myself; ultimately ending up involuntarily committed for 3 days. Following that, I was still unwilling to admit what was wrong. I blamed my wife for all the problems in our marriage, but deep down I knew that was a lie.
By 2016 I developed a heavy drinking problem. It wasn’t until my wife told me to sort myself out that I got the courage to admit who I really was. On August 27th 2016 I told my wife I was Transgender; I was 39 years old at the time. Nothing has been the same since. Within 3 months, almost everyone in my life had been told and I was living full-time as a woman. While my wife grieved her husband often, and this heightened feelings of ideation within me. We - as a couple - overcame the problems that plagued the marriage which stemmed from hiding my gender identity.
These days I spend my time advocating for the visibility of the Transgender community and the rights of children to transition. It is imperative that children struggling with their gender identity be granted access to resources that can facilitate a transition if necessary. Becoming who we need to be before our bodies change under the effects of an incongruent puberty is absolutely critical.
I want my visibility and openness to be a beacon to those individuals both young and old who are needing to find the strength to become their authentic self.
Life is finite, and we will never make the most of it if we do not live our lives true to our being.
